Asexuality Know Better – with Asexual Author Sandra Bellamy
Knowing about Asexuality and Asexuals may be a difficult term to understand with many having different opinions and perspectives. It is always important to understand Asexual people and respect their feelings but how? is the question the everyone has in their mind, the simple answer is “Ms. Bellamy Sandra” in her book for the ACE community she has totally explained the inside and outside of Asexuals with 47 stories along with her personal journey and experience that she faced when she identified herself as Asexual. Asexuality is defined or referred to as “Lack of Sexual Attraction or Interest, but it means different to different people. The sexual attraction is about finding a specific person sexually appealing and wanting to have sex with them. However, everyone has a different experience with being asexual, and asexuality can mean different things to different people. But trying to understand an Asexual person from different ideas, opinions, and perceptions, it is always good to ask our questions to an Asexual non-fiction writer, Activist, Speaker, Coach, and Author of “Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual” – Sandra Bellamy. in an exclusive interview with Loud and Out.
So when did you discover you are asexual? Can you tell me what happened?
I found out I am asexual in 2014, and it was a bit of a shock. I went to see a counselor explain that despite having sex in the past, I could no longer bring myself to do that. I still liked to kiss and have romance. But the expectation of sex at the end of a date with sexual guys was too much to bear, that I almost wet myself with nervousness. I felt I just couldn’t do that anymore, and I didn’t know what to do about it. But I still wanted a romantic relationship with a guy. I just knew I didn’t want sex. No matter how hard I tried to push myself to do that, I just couldn’t. She said I would have to have sex in order to keep a good guy, and I was just horrified. I thought why should I force myself to do something I don’t want to do. So I went home and Googled I like kissing but not sex, and it came up with asexuality, and I found other people like me, who could live, love, and be happy without sex ever, and desired that in a relationship too. I felt so relieved.
Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, Love, Life and Sex, ACElebration of AsexualDiversity, is your debut non-fiction book about asexuality and now you are working on your second. How does it feel?
It honestly feels amazing. Writing is my greatest life passion, followed very closely by asexuality, and to be able to combine the two and bring awareness to a minority sexual orientation, of which I am part of, feels fantastic.
What made you decide to write Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories?
I decided to write it because despite being so happy to find people who identified similarly, in a minority sexual orientation, that is asexuality, I still felt very left out. I was told by someone in the asexual community, that they couldn’t identify how I did, which was, and still is, a Heteroromantic Grey A, because I didn’t experience any sexual attraction at all, and a textbook Grey A, is someone who does experience sexual attraction, only under rare, limited, or specific circumstances, or who experiences it, but not enough to want to act on it. And I experience zero sexual attraction, so shouldn’t be identifying like that. But I was actually told by an asexual meetup organizer on an asexual dating site, that because I like passionate kissing despite not experiencing sexual attraction, that meant I was a Grey Asexual. When I looked that term up at the time, it was a catch-all term, for those who felt like they didn’t quite fit into an asexual box. I felt that fit me well because when I spoke to some guys who also identified as a heteroromantic asexual, it seemed the way I like to kiss was too sexual in behavior, but not sexual enough for sexuals, so I felt stuck, and felt compelled to use the Grey Asexual, but drop it to Grey A, because I felt I had grey areas, rather than being completely Grey Asexual, and in my book, I redefine Grey A to mean this. Although this term has still not been officially redefined to mean this, that’s what I believe it should mean: When you have some sexual behavior, despite not experiencing sexual attraction, and should be separate to the term Grey Asexual, for this reason. As it currently stands, they mean same thing.
So I wrote this book after this harsh treatment of being punished for how I personally identified, and I discovered it wasn’t only me who had endured this experience. I wanted to celebrate our diversity across the Asexual Spectrum, and our differences within it, by interviewing as many asexuals across the globe and Asexual Spectrum, that I could within a year, who were happy to share about their intimate thoughts and experiences, about love, life, and sex. And I am very thankful and grateful that so many took part, 46 in total. And I also share my very own personal story at the beginning of the book, and you get to interview me at the end of the book too. Also, there are a lot of myths and stereotypes about asexuality. I kept getting asked the same questions about asexuality, over and over again, from others who thought they were asexual but weren’t sure, and it was mostly about can you still be asexual if you masturbate or watch porn, and trying to help them identify themselves on the Asexual Spectrum. So I thought I would write a book that would naturally show the spectrum as a whole, in real-life contexts, so people could experience the spectrum for themselves, and how we all fit into the diversity of it, rather than just give textbooks definitions of it. Although not every single asexual identity or sub-category of asexual identities is in the book, there is plenty of variation to show a broad overview of the Asexual Spectrum, and how it all works together.
Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, is available to buy on Amazon here https://amzn.to/3jjqJFg
Wow! That’s a lot of reasons. So when did you start your channel for asexuals and what was the motivation for that?
I first started my Asexualise My Asexual Life channel back into 2015, and officially launched it in October for Asexual Awareness Week – now known as ACE Week. ACE is the nickname/slang term for asexual. It was pretty much for the same reasons as the book. I wanted to help other asexuals all across the Asexual Spectrum, from those who are sex and romance repulsed, to those who are sex-positive, and/or who are actually having sex despite identifying as asexual, and everywhere in-between, to be empowered and confident in all aspects of their asexual life.
With a particular focus on dating and relationships – including friendships. By sharing my own asexual life journey in order to help them on their own. So they would be able to see how asexuality works in real-life contexts, rather than just being given textbooks definitions of it.
I thought this is most helpful to asexuals. And what was once a weekly uploaded video channel, has now turned into a daily live chat show for asexuals. I think this is such a unique and special experience for asexuals, which is lacking elsewhere. To be able to take part in a live, interactive show, with other asexuals, is just such a beautiful experience for all asexuals involved, and I feel truly blessed to be able to bring this experience into their lives and from the comfort of their own home. My channel builds a true sense of asexual community, and the live interactive community is an experience like no other.
You can join my community http://www.youtube.com/asexualisemyasexuallife
You were a speaker at the UK Asexuality Conference in London in 2018, can you tell me about that?
Yes, it was a wonderful experience. It took place on the same day that I officially launched my Asexualise Academy. I did a talk 45 minute talk, with Q & A, about how to arrange an asexual meetup if you are just starting out.
I also took part in the relationships panel discussion, giving my romantic asexual viewpoint of wanting a monogamous relationship, in this highly sexual world, and how that would work. They also had someone giving their aromantic asexual viewpoint of relationships and someone who was giving their polyamorous perspective. My most popular bit of my mini-talk during that discussion was about the most important relationship being the one you have with yourself, how I go about self-dating, and self-love. It was wonderful to meet so many asexuals in one place.
What do you mean by self-dating? Can you explain?
Self-dating is when you intentionally set times and dates aside, to take yourself out, and/or do things you would usually do on a date, but just with yourself. You have to put them in your diary and on your calendar. And make sure you turn up on time for yourself, wear clothes that make you feel good, and have a great time. This is very different from just grabbing a sandwich and eating it by yourself for example because you were hungry and had to.
Being a hyper-romantic asexual, who quirkily doesn’t experience any platonic attraction, I am excessively romantic, and that includes myself.
So I take myself on self-dates, usually to the cinema and out for meals. I have also been to the zoo, to the aquarium, and to theme parks on my own – although I tend to go to those places with my friends more lately. The experience is very magical and I feel loved-up with myself most of the time, 24/7, 365 days a year.
Can you explain more about what it means, and feels like, to be a hyper-romantic without platonic attraction?
It means that in terms of my attraction to guys – I am not attracted to women at all, I skip the getting-to-know-you-as-a-friend-first-before-feelings stage, and often jump to feelings of romance, love, and/or aesthetic attraction straight away. It can almost be feelings at first sight, or after 3 text messages, especially in the case of my attraction to foreign guys, particularly Indian actually. But I still haven’t met the right asexual Indian/foreign guy for me yet. I actually believe my romantic asexual soulmate is Indian, but I don’t want sex, marriage, or kids, and most want at least marriage. And I live in the UK and like living alone, despite being a hyper-romantic asexual. I live a very happy, unconventional life and lifestyle, and living together just wouldn’t work, so I need to find a suitable guy in the UK for me. Strangely, I don’t get that much attracted to British guys, and if that happens, it’s rarer, or more on a level that would be insignificant by comparison. Most of the time if any type of attraction happens with a British guy, it’s usually after I have become more emotionally close to them. Although there have been exceptions to this and it’s been quicker.
Being a hyper-romantic who experiences no platonic attraction, can be both joyful and painful at once. Because I end up having multiple attractions for different guys and some of my friends, even though I don’t want to, and would rather be attracted to the one right person for me to be in a romantic relationship with. Especially as despite my multiple attractions, I am fiercely monogamous in a relationship, and I would feel guilty having these feelings for multiple guys if I am in a relationship with just one. Although I would probably have fewer feelings for the others, as my feeling grew stronger and deeper for the guy I was in the romantic relationship with, it wouldn’t stop them from happening.
The feeling of being “loved up” is something that feels like I am elated and floating on the clouds at the peak of non-sexual, pleasure, excitement, and fulfillment – even with myself, but the pain of no reciprocation, of having unwanted feelings for some of my closest friends, which feels weird as they are my friends, not someone I could be in a romantic relationship with, or getting feelings for someone in another country who it’s not actually possible to be in a romantic relationship with, as I can’t do an LDR because I still want hugs, kisses, and romance, and to go on in-person dates with, can be emotionally painful. I have become accustomed to rejection though and having to detach myself, so a lot more resilient and stronger than I used to be in that respect, And instead of falling in love at the drop of a hat, it’s now more like I can get some love feelings, but not a full-blown love almost straight away. This is something I have had to really manage well, and work hard to change about myself, to stop getting so hurt. I find telling the person how I feel, even if it’s a friend or someone I hardly know, can really help to stop the feelings getting out of control. The only difficulty with this is if there are some reciprocated feelings but we are still not a relationship compatible, because there is always a sense of feeling between me and them, but nothing we can act upon.
Can you tell me more about Asexualise Academy?
Asexualise Academy was officially launched on the 8th of July 2018. It is the world’s first online training center and school for asexuals and asexuality. I set it up so I can create online courses in many different aspects of asexuality, that asexuals are interested to know more about and want to take their understanding much further with. I thought every other subject had dedicated training courses that you can buy online if you want to more in-depth help, experience, and advice, so why not asexuals.
I currently have two asexual meetup courses on there, including one called Asexual Meetup Mastery, which took me over 6 months to create, and is everything I have learnt in my last 5 years of successfully arranging and holding, in-person asexual meetups. And gives the exact step-by-step process I used, to go from zero attendees to people travelling miles across the UK to attend meetups in my city. This course enables anyone with zero meetup experience, to get going and get growing their meetup, super fast. Bringing more asexuals together than ever before.
I also have a course called How To Arrange A Successful Online Asexual Meetup. Which is extremely valuable in bringing more asexuals together, especially right now, with social distancing not stopping anytime soon. My online asexual meetups are very popular. And I show you the exact step-by-step formula I use, for success, that you can use for your own, even if you are just starting out and never held an online meetup in your life before. And currently, you get this entire course as a free bonus with the Asexual Meetup Mastery course.
I even have a free Asexuality Basics For Beginners Introduction To Asexuality course on there, for anyone who is new to asexuality or who doesn’t understand what the Asexual Spectrum means.
You can get any of these courses here https://courses.asexualiseacademy.com
So what’s next for this Asexuality Author?
I am currently working on my second book for asexuals called Asexual Guide To Sex.
One day one of my aromantic asexual friends sent me a message, which I wasn’t expecting. “How would I go about having sex, if I wanted to try it?”
It completely stopped me in my tracks. I wasn’t expecting an asexual to ask me that, and I guess found it even less likely that an aromatic asexual would, since they don’t experience romantic attraction or sexual attraction. It got me thinking if this friend was asking me that, how many other asexuals wanted to know this information? I then discovered there were lots more, in groups, and forums.
I also got private messaged by a woman who wanted to know about this, due to the fact their family was arranging them a marriage, to a sexual man. And they felt scared, alone, and that they needed help knowing what to expect and do. All of this led me to write Asexual Guide To Sex, with real-life asexual sex stories. Exposing the real truth about sex, the good, the bad, and the fugly!
So any asexuals who are thinking about trying sex for the first time ever, can make an informed choice and decision if sex is right for them, or not. In other words, do not try sex, until you have read this book. And get the best advice from those asexuals who have been there and done it. I plan to publish this book in the next few months, so watch this space about that… In the meantime, get Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, as it makes a good prequel to it.
Asexual Perspectives 47 Asexual Stories, is available to buy on Amazon here https://amzn.to/3jjqJFg
How can people contact you if they want further help and support?
I do one-to-one coaching in asexuality and all aspects of asexual life. If you want more details, please contact me email@example.com or through the chat bubble on my asexual blog www.asexualise.com or via my Asexualise Facebook page www.facebook.com/acexualise
Ms. Sandra Bellamy is residing in the UK, one of the top activists, Speaker, Coach, and the most successful Asexual Author – “Asexual Perspectives with 47 Asexual stories. She underwent a journey of self-discovery & Identified herself as Asexual. Having gone through all the pains, misunderstandings among the society, Bellamy wanted to bring in a change to make everyone understand about Asexuals from the perspectives of Asexuals. She has helped more than 1000+ people to understand who they are. Her book “Asexual Perspectives with 47 Asexual Stories” is considered as the “book of reference” for Asexual people to understand oneself. The author herself has an Asexual youtube channel, Facebook community group, Asexual Academy, Meetup groups.